The swat of the class is Donald. I ask TwinsTown; “What’s your favourite Christmas song?” Hornet’s hand shoots up and he’s calling out his answer. He’s put no thought into it, no effort, therefore I’m moving on…
Mark offers the first considered answer.
“The Power of Love by Frankie Goes to Hollywood,” says The Darkness, explaining that, “it shouldn’t even be a Christmas song, but it’s class… the piano and the emotion in the vocals… it’s RAW!”
Okay Mark, no need to shout. I was hoping he’d pick Christmas Time by The Darkness ’cause it’d fit with his nickname and I could slag Justin Hawkins off for being a Grinch. Have you heard the Christmas Time lyrics!?
Feigning joy and surprise
At the gifts we despise over mulled wine
With you
The darkness
Justin and his band mates despise their gifts AND drink mulled wine. No amount of falsetto makes up for being spoilt, ungrateful, and middle class. Although if Justin got the mulled wine at The Georges’ Christmas soirée last year we’ll sweep it under Billy’s hand-woven, velvet pile Axminster and say no more about it.
Donald’s wee hand is still in the air. No Hornet, we’ll come to you later.
Next up, Mark again. Hang on, he’s had a go. What’s that, Mark, Lonely This Christmas by Mud, you say. You’ll be lonely this Christmas if you keep jumping in.
Oaft! And I thought Donald was bad.
However, lo and behold, Smackay wants two goes too.
“Elton John’s Step Into Christmas,” he ventures, adding that, “Elton performed a marvelous version on the Gilbert O’Sullivan show, 1973, whilst sporting an over-sized white feather boa.”
Stuart must’ve been at one of The Georges’ recent soirées. And I thought Donald was the swat.
“Stay by East 17,” says Stuart, wanting his second go.
Harry and Wayne are saying nothing. Billy is busy. He hasn’t completed his Christmas spreadsheet:
- Douse the Christmas pudding
- Purchase the Lindor balls
- Choose scented candles
- Confirm the wrapping paper colour scheme
- Investigate the provenance of the turkey…
It must be my go. Oh, wait, Donald is waving his phone in the air playing Stop the Cavalry by Jona Lewis. I thought you were all about Bruce Springsteen, you know, Santa Claus is Coming to Town?
“Well, if they’re having two goes…” he pouts.
You better watch out
You better not cry
You better not pout
I’m telling you why
Santa Claus is coming to town
John Coots / Haven Gillespie
My go at last and I’m nothing if not predictable.
You’re a bum
You’re a punk
You’re an old slut on junk
Jem Finer / Shane Macgowan
I love the Pogues and I love Kirsty MacColl even more, so to say I was pleased with Fairytale of New York would be an understatement. I know the BBC are butchering the lyrics this year, but not me. I’m already Dunfermline’s most wanted.
You scumbag, you maggot
You cheap lousy faggot
Happy Christmas your arse
I pray God it’s our last
The boys of the NYPD choir
Still singing Galway Bay
And the bells are ringing out
For Christmas day
JEM FINER / SHANE MACGOWAN
Stay alive.
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